Tonight was our last photography class. Milly had asked us to bring in our favourite photos from the course so we could spend the lesson discussing what we’d learnt. We spread them on our tables and spent time with each person as they talked through their experience of the course. I brought the one of Susan from the first week, the one of Sara and the silver man, and the still life with flowers and a hat. It was good to see them there together in a group, I was proud of them. It was amazing how different the groups of photos were, even though the subjects were the same — you could see embryonic styles developing. We’d got to know each other a bit better over the course, but it was still nerve-racking to talk in front of them all. When it was Susan’s turn, I could see her hands shaking. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, and found myself talking about the way I looked at the world a bit differently now, as if I were a camera. Before I only trusted other people to show me things, to arrange things into a frame and present them to me as the truth. Now I was interested in what I could see for myself. Milly nodded a lot as I was speaking; I felt encouraged.

We’d all planned to go for a drink in the college bar afterwards. It was OK; it was good to have Sara there — we didn’t spend much time talking to each other, but we looked at each other across the room every so often, and she’d raise an eyebrow or I’d smile, and it made me feel at home, safer. Sara and I had arranged to have a meal afterwards, and as we were saying our goodbyes, Milly asked if she could have a quick word with me. She took me round to the other side of the bar and suggested I should carry on studying, that I had an ‘eye’. She asked me to come to her next series of classes that started in a few weeks time. I wasn’t sure what to say, so just said thank you over and over, nodding like an idiot. I said I’d think about it; I didn’t want to promise her anything. I didn’t tell Sara or anyone else; I don’t think I even want to tell Red, he might get his expectations up. I still get an excited swelling feeling in my stomach whenever I think about it. She thought I had an eye!

I didn’t really want to see Sara, as I’ve got lots to do, and I resented the extra time it took. We made it through the meal quite painlessly; she didn’t guess that anything was wrong. I almost enjoyed it — being old, fake Ruth is less tiring as well as less risky. When I got home I looked at the list I’d made before I went to work —

· Find somewhere to stay
· Letters for Red, Dad etc.
· Tell Red what I need to tell him
· Packing
· Travel
· Decide if/what to tell Dad, Abbie etc.
· Sort out work — how will I get the holiday?
· Decide on method and make preparations

All I had time to do tonight was find somewhere to stay. I found a hotel that looked big enough for me to be anonymous in it. The rooms were expensive — £80 a night — but it felt a bit silly to be worrying about money if it might be the last I ever spent. In the end I threw the boat out (ha ha — staying near the sea, throwing the boat out…) and spent £11 a night extra for a room with a sea view. I thought I’d leave here on Thursday morning, which would give me time to see Red on Tuesday and then get all the letters written so I could leave them here in the flat. I booked the room until Tuesday, the 1st of June. I won’t need to be there longer than that either way.

I’m really not sure what to do about work. If I ask for emergency holiday, they might say no, and then I couldn’t pretend I was ill without them finding out. Maybe I could get that doctor I saw with Abbie to sign me off with stress. But I’d rather not have that kind of thing on my record. Or maybe I could lie — tell them Dad has got ill again, or that I’ve got a bad back… What I really want to do is just not turn up, but if people got worried about me too quickly maybe they’d come looking and find me too early? So much to think about. I’ve found myself slipping in to thinking of Dan again; it’s easier than thinking about Red. I want Dan to come with me. But I need to leave him behind as well. They all need to stay behind.

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